“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.