@uncle_fescue: I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.
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@Adam14: Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
@SufficientCharm: Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask.
@RitleySammich: I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
@sixfootcandy: People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.