I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.