My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
giddy up Office Depot
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
We’ve come full circle
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”