I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Proctology is located in A55
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office