I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Favourite diary entry ever
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.