I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
#oldknees
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.