* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
You Might Also Like
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in