people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Look at this
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Netflix and you sit over there.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE