@Vodkantots: I just sighed so hard, I won't have to dust for 6 months.
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@MatCro: "Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
@__candypants: If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@QwertyJones3: [Halftime speech] Ok guys, we're down 56-0, but I see the problem. There's a typo in my game plan. It should say "tackle", not "tickle".