I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.