I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?