@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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@treydayway: I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.
@FunnyIsFamily: 5yo: "Mom, will you get me a yogurt?" Me: "You're closer to the fridge." 5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* "Now you're closer."
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"