@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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@Sarcasticsapien: People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.
@DaddyJew: Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet? Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
@jimmytorosian: [two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
@MiahSaint: This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.