I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.