@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne
@KeetPotato: [a giant killer salmon is attacking the city] cop: [throws smoke bomb] me: "all you've done is make him extra delicious you idiot"
@moist_jeff: *Young Jesus plays with food* Mary: you're not playing until you finish your bread and fish! *ugh* *touches food* *it multiplies* NOOOOOO!!!
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too