I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Some people were born into their job.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.