I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
This might be me.
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.