I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two