I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch