I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I enjoy a good short stor
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Breaking news:
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.