I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*orders delivery*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.