I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I put the hot in psychotic.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one