I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Labreador
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads