Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Single and childfree like Jesus
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Lmao
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.