I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
how long have you had this for?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Wikigenius
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.