Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one