Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.