@philyuck: I just told my dog to "say hi" to another dog. And yes, I realize that's crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.
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@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day] Me: I got you a bunch of flowers GF: Thanks Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
@Brianhopecomedy: *grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"