I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.