“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.