I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.