I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.