I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
You Might Also Like
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My dog learned how to text
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*