I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!