I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.