Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
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A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
(Musicians.)
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.