I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Body by sandwich.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”