I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Trying
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Krampus.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.