Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison