@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"
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@fro_vo: *running from cops* Me: hey wait hold up if we're gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit Cop: yeah me too good idea
@MarkAgee: "Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?" TRUMP: OK first, I've seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
@kwirkyKerri: Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I'm convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.