I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No