I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Today I learned you can use disposable
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*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult