I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Great acting.. 😂
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.