I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
S M O L
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”