I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My dress code is business-casualty.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
We found love in a hopeless place.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.