I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out