I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Previously On Persistence 😎
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts