I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!