@envydatropic: I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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@VailshireCap: "Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?" "Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals."
@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
@Reel2Dialog2: [playing poker] "I'm all in" *slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
@HomeProbably: I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.