I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Yup!
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”