I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
No. YOU-buprofen.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
What?!?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father