I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way