I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Yep.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner