I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣