Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword