I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
You Might Also Like
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.