I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.