@mattZillaaaa: I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
@lyric_intent: [Broken Air Conditioner] Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C? *sweating audibly* well, they're all dead, aren't they?
@SondraDeeMe: [Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
@murrman5: [neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg? [me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah