I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.