Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You Might Also Like
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.